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pozmagazine:

True Story
by David Hancock

“Back in 2001 or ‘02, I met a guy in New York City. His name was Guillermo and he was a sexy little beast. I wasn’t smitten, but we had some fun. Skating on the river, phone conversations; more than just hooking up. Two weeks after we met, he called me on the phone and said, “Look, I have to tell you something.” I listened and then assured him it was not a problem. And then I never spoke to him again.

To Guillermo and other poz dudes: I’m really sorry for the shitty way I’ve treated you through the years. The way I coldfished you after you put your cards on the table. Or how I’ve sped past your online profiles when I saw the “+” sign.

I wouldn’t open my heart for you, even a little. I was too scared. And then it just became an engrained habit to excise you. In 2014, I want to free my mind. I want to shake off knee-jerk behaviors that are rooted in decades-old fears. I’m tired of living in fear of HIV.

[Continued….]

I’ve had a lot of emotions lately

I feel like I’m evolving. Next level shit. I packed all day and napped and ate carbs and got sweaty. Moved a pickup truck load to the new house tonight. All by myself and that felt good. Turned the swamp cooler on to make sure it was working alright.

I gave up my routine when we started dating other people. At first it was to drive to Phoenix every weekend and then it was to camp at her house every Friday night. I’m the type of person that likes to cook on Sunday for lunches for the week. It’s harder when you have to balance a household in a different way. I want to create home again. Redefine it. That will be easier in a weeks time.

Also struggling still with feeling special and wanted and this paranoia I get that I’m being placated when I ask for something nice and then she does the nice thing. Working on that.

Xoxo